Couples and Marriage Counseling
Therapy For Relationships At Any Stage Of Life
Most people enter relationships thinking they will be safe. It doesn’t take long to realize relationships are the scariest place to be. We choose partners who are uniquely capable of touching the wound no one else is able to touch. The problem isn’t our partner, the problem is our wound. Being in a relationship can be life giving or life draining, it all depends on how you do it.
Does Couples Counseling and Marriage Counseling Work?…. Sometimes.
Counseling will succeed or fail based on who You try to change. If you are focused on changing your partner it will fail. If you are focused on changing yourself it has a good chance of giving you a new relationship.
Getting off to a strong start:
Most relationship counseling and therapy fails because there isn’t a focus or defined goal. Most therapists don’t have a roadmap. If you ask most therapists what model they use they will say something like “I meet clients where they are at.” This is therapy speak for “I have no idea where a client needs to go.” At Family Integration Counseling we work from the Developmental Model created by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson at the start of the marriage therapy movement. Nearly 50 years of experience inform the interventions, philosophy and structure of the Developmental Model of Couples Counseling. It’s a roadmap that helps identify the dysfunctional parts of the relationship and helps lead you to a place of standing on your own two feet enough to be a truly intimate with each other.
Knowing the Stages
Relationships aren’t all rainbows and unicorns, I’m sure you’ve figured that out if you are here. They normally start out that way, that’s what attracts us to each other. However relationships don’t go bad all at once. They deteriorate along certain, predictable lines. When you know the stages, you know how and where to intervene. Relationships don’t go bad so much as get stuck. The conflict you are experiencing is normal and predictable. It was supposed to happen, it just was supposed to get resolved quicker than it did. That’s why you are here.
Bonding
The first stage is connection. You find things about the other person you enjoy. You find way to connect that you both enjoy. You find similar interests, desires, passions and goals. You can see yourself together, sharing in your shared interests for a long time. You are connected over similarities.
Opposites don’t attract, it’s the similarities that do. I see things in you that remind me of myself, “oh, I love going to concerts, let’s go together.”
I see differences in you that I want to take on, “I wish I could be as outgoing as she is.”
Either way we are in a stage of connection and similarity focused on what we want, like and enjoy in ourselves.
We are dating a version of ourselves that we see in the mirror of our partner, a version we like more than the single version of ourself. That’s why we bond, we are falling in love with a version of ourselves that we only have access to through our partner. However, it is not an US we are creating, but a better version of Me that I’m pursuing at this stage.
I overlook your flaws, warning signs and hang-ups. You overlook mine. We are both in a stages of shared psychosis. We are not connected to reality. Others likely see it, but we do not.
Differences Emerge
We start getting this itch. It starts off like a small annoyance in the back of our head. It’s the thought that this person isn’t exactly what I wanted. Maybe it’s a behavior we used to think was cute. We begin to be frustrated. “This isn’t what I signed up for.” We see our partner as they are, not as we wanted them to be and we are horrified. This is the start of intimacy. Anyone can enjoy themselves but intimacy develops when we learn to appreciate someone else with all their qualities that really are not so pleasant. This is where the real work begins.
Becoming Different
As we progress in growing up, we stand to learn to stand on our own two feet. Early in the relationship we were convinced we couldn’t survive without our partner. This kept us bonded, yes, feeling close, yes, but also infantile. We were dependent on another adult for our okayness. We were unable to self regulate, unable to manage without their closeness, care and reassurance. Such is the nature of falling in love. However this cannot remain. They will fail us, they will let us down and if we are not planted on our own firm foundation the relationship cannot last. We need to learn to embrace and appreciate the differences we each have in the relationship. If you cannot do this the relationship is doomed. This is where most therapy fails. One partner or both remain dead set on getting their partner to listen, behave, feel and be different than they are. The old script from Jerry Maguire, “You complete me” plays loudly at this stage. Unless we can tolerate the anxiety that emerges and realize this fantasy must die, the relationship will not survive.
